Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
At least make sure they are 18
Why
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
