so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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