saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
