Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
