theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
