i need an iv and a liver transplant
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
