oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
