wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
