Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
