If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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