took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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