I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
