drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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