booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
