Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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