i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
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