cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
