i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
