if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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