I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
