from now on my penis is your penis
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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