last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize