I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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