I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
