loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
