Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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