So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
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