i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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