I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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