when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
