if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
