she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
