Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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