Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You've changed since you got that strap on
You were trust falling into bushes
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
