so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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