I am in a vortex of obligation.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
