We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize