totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize