I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
