I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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