I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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