I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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