My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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