I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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