Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
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