hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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