I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
