if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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