So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
