I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
