I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
