My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
