have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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