I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
